A satirized media coverage of the Demonetization Scheme of the Govt. of India 

Date: 8th Nov 2016 (Time: 8:30PM): I switched on my TV set for some newstainment (news + entertainment; that’s how news is in India). To my frustration, the news ticker said “BREAKING NEWS” (these days every 3rd news in the mainstream media is a ‘breaking news’.) However, it was a ‘breaking news’ indeed. The Prime Minister of India, Mr. Narendra Modi had delegitimize the currency notes of Rs. 500 and Rs. 1000 with immediate effect. Promptly, I changed the new channel to Times Now to listen to my favourite news anchor Arnab Goswami; only to realise that Arnab had resigned from Times Now and so the Editors Guild of India had passed a resolution observing the studios of Times Now across the globe as ‘silent zones’.

Hurriedly, I changed the channel to NDTV 24*7. But as predicted, they were broadcasting a news that was not even remotely connected to the breaking news. They were telecasting a ‘LIVE’ funeral of a slain Kashmiri terrorist – Burhan Wani, who was killed in July’16. So I switched to their cousin channel NDTV-India. The news channel was thankfully busy depicting the various news tickers of the latest news. The team of NDTV India seemed completely engrossed in the news and they inadvertently spelt the name of their news-anchor as ‘Rubbish Kumar’ instead of Ravish Kumar. The news-anchor Ravish Kumar (you may even choose to read it as Rubbish Kumar) was having a panel discussion on the demonetization of currency notes. Thinking that the expert opinions of the panelist would render better insights into the process of demonetization, I decided to stick to the news channel.

The panel had personalities across professions, which I thought would give even a better picture of the perceived countrywide impact of the demonetization process.

Here is a summary of panel discussion:

Kumari Bhasmawati (an environmentalist): As per Bhasmawatijee, demonetization process would have a grave impact on the ozone layer of the atmosphere. How? Demonetization of currency notes meant that the people would now stand in long queues to withdraw / exchanges currency notes. This sudden burden of homosapiens in public places would increase the level of Carbon dioxide (also Carbon monoxide in places where the non vegetarians are more) in the atmosphere and this would destroy the Ozone layer.

Khabrilal Jhola (a journalist): According to this senior Journalist, the calamity of demonetization was the handy work of the President-elect of the United States – Mr . Donald John Trump. According to Khabrilal, Donald Trump, a Sangh Parivar stooge in the US has convinced PM Narendra Modi to ban Rs. 500/- and Rs. 1000/- and to introduce the new notes with the portraits of Trump and Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) chief Mohan Bhagwat on them. Further, Khabrilal seemed convinced beyond doubt that demonetization was a grand conspiracy hatched by the right winger Donald Trump and RSS to ‘Make America Great Again!’ – by destabilizing the Indian economy. Hence, this whole American drama of demonetization will now be played in Indian theaters!

Dr. P.K. Khuni (a medical practitioner): Dr. P.K. Khuni, a surgeon, (who is still fighting a case in Bombay High Court over his ‘alleged’ fake degree) said that the country is going to witness a high rate of mortality, second only to death rate of Hiroshima and Nagasaki bombings. When Rubbish Kumar (my apology for the spelling mistake) asked the reason, Dr. Khuni explained,”See, most if not all ATM machines will be idle for a longer period as Govt. immediately will not be able to pump in the new currency notes in them. So, there are high chances that these machines will catch rust and anyone coming in contact of them will suffer grave injuries. Injuries so fatal that they will lead to gangrene and ultimately killing the citizens.”

Pandit Apollo Maharaj (an astrologer): A world famous astrologer named Pt. Apollo Maharaj pointed out that word ‘demonetization’ begins with ‘demon’ and hence this process is going to spell disaster for the common public but not for the black marketers. This is because, the black money holders normally store their cash in their godowns and word ‘godown’ begin with ‘God’. In other words, everyone except the criminals is going to face harassment. Apollo Maharaj also cheekily pointed to Rubbish Kumar that the word ‘news-anchor’ ends with ‘chor‘ and so the people must not blindly believe the contents of new reports about demonetization.

After somehow digesting the ‘analysis’ of the demons (and not about the demons) of demonetization, I was wondering what was the view of an economist on the situation that would be caused by demonetization? The mainstream media didn’t give me the answer and so I turned to the social media. I could see a barrage of questions directed toward only one economist on the social media. However, that economist didn’t bother to answer even a single query. A little deeper research about the profile of that man gave me my answer. THE ECONOMIST WAS NONE OTHER THAN THE EX P.M. DR. MANMOHAN SINGH. With sadness in my heart and desperation in my eyes, I retired to my bedroom but only to hear a familiar voice. “THE NATION WANTS TO KNOWS!…”. No prizes for guessing who he was. However, I couldn’t understand where the voice was coming from because my television set was switched off. Like an explorer walking thru a dark dungeon, I followed the voice. It guided me to the terrace of my building only to know that the voice was coming from the Times Now office in Lower Parel – Mumbai (which is ‘just’ 30 kms from my building terrace). It seemed that Arnab Goswami was fighting with his ex boss Vineet Jain, who had tricked the top news-anchor in accepting his full and final settlement in the notes of Rs. 500/- and Rs. 1,000/- and that too just 24 hours. before the PM’s announcement of currency demonetization.

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The paid media exposed!

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To the common man standing in a queue for a corruption-free India!

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