A hilarious spoof of Indian Journalism.
One day, a little known TV Journalist from Assam – Mr. Pranab Goswami visited Mumbai to cover a story on “Bhel Puri on Juhu Chowpatty!” (Don’t be surprised… Bhel-Puri is a ‘story’ for Indian Media). While covering the story on Juhu Chowpatty, Pranab saw a banner near a Bhel-Puri stall. It read:
“RAVANAYAN – THE LAWS OF KING RAVANA!”
By Mata Barkheshwari Dutta (SECULAR Presenter – 3DTV)
Venue: Hotel J.W. Chariot – Juhu (Mumbai)
Date & Time: 1st April 2006 @Midnight – 12:00 AM to 12:01 AM
Pranab, who was already shocked by the name of the event, became largely skeptical after reading its timing – 12:00 AM to 12:01 AM. He thought, “THE NATION WANTS TO KNOW: WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN IN ‘THAT’ ONE MINUTE ON THE FOOL’S DAY?” His thought was so loud that even the Bhel-Puri vendor standing next to him heard Pranab’s ‘inner voice’. The vendor said to Pranab, “O Sahab, thoda dhire soochow! (Sir, think softly).” Pranab looked at the Bhel-Puri vendor, with daggers in his eyes & said, “NEVER EVER, EVER EVER… SAY THIS TO THE BEST NEWS ANCHOR OF THE GALAXY!” The Bhel-Puri vendor couldn’t understand a word. However, the word ‘Galaxy’ sounded familiar to him. He presumed that Pranab Goswami is Superstar Suleiman Khan’s angry neighbour from Galaxy Apartment of Bandra. So he smiled at Pranab and said, “Namaste Sahab!” Pranab, thinking that he had mauled his man, left the stall with a sarcastic smile.
Now, Pranab’s immediate priority was to procure an Entry Pass of the midnight event of Ravanayan, which was going to start in less than 12 hours. So he called his college friend & now a very influential Journalist in Mumbai – Mr. Champak Chaurasia. Champak was working with India’s top news channel – Kab Tak? With a delay of exactly 23 milliseconds, Champak Chaurasia arranged a Pass for his old friend. With little less than 10 minutes for event to start, Pranab reached the gates of the 5 Star Hotel – J.W. Chariot. At the Hotel gates, Pranab was stopped by a man with strong arms. Arms, so strong that they would give complex even to the dhai kilo ka haath-wala man from the 1993 blockbuster movie – Damn Mini.
Pranab, along with other people was made to wait at the hotel gates. Later, exactly at the stroke of midnight, came a short man, wearing a white cap (Gandhi-Topi) to address the standing crowd. Pranab was curiously looking at the man’s Gandhi Topi because something was printed in Hindi on it. The man came closer to the crowd & now Pranab could read the words: “Mujhe Chahiye Sushma”. Pranab immediately understood that it’s a ‘printing mistake’; the correct slogan was “Mujhe Chahiye Swaraj”. By now, it had become evident to the crowd that the man was none other than the founder of a N.G.O. – India Against Ravana! – Mr. Arvind Khujliwal. An informed journalist like Pranab Goswami could not believe his eyes because Mr. Khujliwal, thru his N.G.O. had vehemently criticized the deeds of Ravana, the enemy of Lord Ram; and the same man now was organizing a lecture on the King of Lanka.
Mr. Khujliwal then ordered the crowd to loudly shout a slogan for one minute – Ravan hum sharminda hain; tere qatil zinda hain! Pranab was shocked to the core when he saw the cameras of the TV channel – 3DTV covering the event. However, the entire scene had finally unfolded the mystery of ‘One Minute’ before Pranab.
After the TV cameras had properly captured the video images of people supporting Ravana, the crowd was allowed to enter the auditorium of J.W.Chariot. Now, there SHE was, sitting on a cherry red recliner chair, wearing a jet black designer kaftan, holding a hammer in her right hand and a sickle in her left – Mata Barkheshwari Dutta, a self-declared liberal hater of Lord Ram.
She began her much awaited speech (verbal diarrhea), “Dear children, the 1st law of King Ravana is: Never follow the set law of the land!” After an ultra brief pause, she continued, “the 2nd law of King Ravana is: Ridicule the citizens, sincerely following the set law of the land!” Then, looking straight in the eyes the security personnel in the auditorium, she said, “the final law of King Ravana is: Disrespect and defame the security forces, who coerce you to follow the set law of the land!”
For next 2 hours, her pravachan (lecture) touched the different facets of Ravanayan – the Ideology of Ravana. Pranab, a devotee of Lord Ram, found Mata’s principles deeply disgusting. He could not bear the sight of an intellectual liberal, demeaning our security forces & propagating anarchy. So, he closed his eyes and silently took an oath: I, PRANAB GOSWAMI VOW TO ‘DESTROY’ THE SO-CALLED LIBERALS, SPREADING THE IDEOLOGY OF RAVANAYAN. However, the super powerful vocal cords of Pranab Goswami created an echo in the room and every single living soul heard Pranab’s oath. Pranab Goswami’s life was at the mercy of the Ravana’s followers now. Before they could do any damage to the ‘mortal’ body of Pranab Goswami, roared a voice in the auditorium of J.W.Chariot “RUKHO MATAJI!” Pranab, turnaround to see the angel, who had saved his life. At the entrance of the auditorium was a half naked man, just wearing a knee length saffron dhoti; the man was India’s most famous Yoga Guru – Baba Kamdev and he was not alone. He had come there with 300 ‘scary organism’. Kamdev was a ferocious critic of Mata Barkheshwari and had created ruckus in many of her Ravanayan events in past. However, this time he had the company of 300 strong men (who looked scarier than the 300 soldiers of King Leonidas of Sparta). They were the Naga Sadhus of Haridwar, who roamed around the entire world in their ‘birthday suits’.
The sight of 300 naked homosapiens scared hell out of Mataji and her N.G.O. friend Arvind Khujliwal. Both shouted, “S…S…SECURITY, PLEASE HELP!” Mataji conveniently forgot the fact that for last couple of hours, she had been demonizing the concept of Security Force in a country. However, she was lucky that the security force of the hotel believed in following the set law of the land. The chief of the security staff was a war veteran of Indian Army, who had lost his left eye defending India. After a marathon negotiation session with Kamdev and his ‘army’, the Security Chief seemed successful in convincing the protesters. The persistent requests of the army veteran cut ice with Kamdev and he retired to the nearby Juhu beach to perform his morning yoga drills, along with his 300 new friends.
Mataji & Khujliwal still continue to spray venom against Lord Ram but the episode of Naga Sadhus has drastically reduce the magnitude of their ‘liberal’ activities.
Baba Kamdev is no longer just another Yoga Guru. He owns a FMCG company called Karamjali, which has turned the FMCG sector of India on its head.
Pranab Goswami is the # 1 Editor-in-Chief of the # 1 News Channel of India – Time pass Now. The patriot within him has forced the Prime Minister of India – Mr. Surendra Modi to think about nominating Pranab for a Padma award.